Is this goodbye?

As a family, we've recently all been on the move.  About two weeks ago, we returned from a planned spring break to Colorado.  A much needed trip as I was on the brink of burn out with my work.  Commuting two hours a day, seeing patients back to back for eight to nine hours straight without a break, then rushing home to start dinner, get kids to sports, and so on was wearing me out.  Colorado was a nice change of pace in that Kris and I were able to spend two days together (sans kids).  We went hiking, did a lot of walking, and talking.  The weather was beautiful and we were able to later bring the children to the mountains and create memories with them and family. My return to work went smoothly and I was feeling refreshed.

About one week later, was my next trip.  I recently found out my my last living grandparent--my grandfather at the amazing age of 95, wasn't "doing very well."  This can be difficult to translate to my medical brain.  What exactly does that mean?  I heard words such as "possible mini stroke" and "difficulty seeing" and "can't walk due to weakness," but no other diagnosis.  It was frustrating to be almost 1000 miles away and have limited information.  I haven't been home for over a year now.  Nathan and Ryan haven't been back for two years.  Between two sets of divorced parents, you have to split things up.  There are places you also want to go as a family and friends you want to spend time with, so it gets complicated.  Sometimes people travel to visit you, so you aren't always running back home for every holiday. So, this is what was happening during that time span. This year was the first year I have flown anywhere with the boys and they are almost 7!  That tells you how often we are flying places as a family.  But, to get back to the point--I decided to return home on a whim and see my grandfather, not knowing what I was going to face.  I knew I would also want to see my family, but my time was very limited.  Two and a half days was all I had.  I found cheap tickets on Frontier and booked the flights.  I felt selfish leaving work again as I just took off a week from work, but this was needed. I also found out last minute Kristofer would also be travelling during the same week (but to Hawaii), so this meant Nathan and Ryan were coming with me.  I think also a blessing in disguise for them to return home with me.  I packed and planned our short trip with minimal luggage below.

I drove to the airport and parked the car in the economy lot.  I grabbed the bags and the boys and I waited at the bus stop to catch the bus.  We arrived at the airport and sailed through the screening process, flight was scheduled on time.  Almost immediately after checking in, I was notified our flight was delayed......5 hours!  There was a planned BBQ at home upon our arrival and now this was changing everything!!  My two and a half day trip home just got shortened.  Frustrated, upset, angry-so many emotions flowing and I had zero control.  What exactly do you do with two six year olds for 5 hours?  Well, I thought a good first choice would be to go to the USO (for military) so we walked from Terminal E to A.  If you have never been in the Philadelphia airport before, this was very very, did I say very, far away.  I hauled all of our luggage and the boys started complaining mid way to our destination.  We arrived at USO and learned it had been flooded with raw sewage so we were forced to enter a makeshift storage room with nothing comfortable in it. So, we had a quick lunch and took the shuttle bus back to our terminal (yes, that is how far it was a shuttle was needed).  The remainder of the time, we walked around, there was an indoor playground for kids, we videod each other and I allowed them to play video games and crosswords on their tablets.  Did they wrestle and fight in the airport.  Yes.  Did they push each other and misbehave. Yes.  Did we survive. Of course.

This was about 3/4 of the way through the 5 hours.  Starting to get antsy.

Finally, our flight was ready.  We arrived in Milwaukee and my brother, Chuck, picked us up and took us home.  The following day would be tough.

We arrived in Waupun, Wisconsin, early morning to make the most of the day.  After hearing the words, "not doing well", I learned my grandfather was placed on hospice (end of life care) in his home.  I have so many wonderful memories of my grandparents I didn't want to not be able to say goodbye as it has been so long.  Would he still be with us with my next trip to Wisconsin in August?  Possibly, but I didn't want to risk it. I took this opportunity to just "be" with him despite his failing eyesight and hearing. I've learned in medicine that sometimes being together isn't about conversation or doing something, but just being there.  So, that was my plan for the day.  I learned he got up at 3AM to get dressed for the day due to not being able to sleep and coughing.  He was already exhausted at 8AM.  I let him nap intermittently during the visit while memories flooded me.  The farmhouse he lives in was the same one he was born in.  It was the same house that I have known over my 36 years of life no matter where I have lived in the United States.  Memories of my childhood summers are here.  Of family get togethers and of my late grandmother.  I remember when the farm was operational with cows and busy tractors.  I remember jumping on top of the hay bails in the barn (which we weren't supposed to be doing as you could fall and get injured).  I remember sneaking around the corner to watch my grandfather chop off chicken heads on an old tree stump.  I remember running into the tall corn stalks and out to the forest where I would find old gun shells from the hunters.  I remember roosters crowing in the morning waking me up or the smell of breakfast cooking and moving up the stairs as I would wake from sleep.   I remember going out to the garden and picking raspberries and blackberries and eating more than I could save.  I remember having to chop up green beans and freeze them and doing cartwheels on a newly cut lawn.  So many childhood memories here, central to the core of who I am today.  It is sad and emotional, but it is also beautiful.  My grandfather being able to remain in the home with all of his grown children supporting him, taking care of him, cooking for him, and loving him in an unconditional manner is very beautiful to watch.  That is how the dying process should be.  Some people don't like to say end of life or hospice or dying.  But, this is what it is and it should be celebrated. Yes, it is sad and my heart aches, but you also see how life changes as you age. Patients tell me all the time, "don't ever get old" and I believe them as I see changes in myself and others.  Life changes as you  age as you see the loss of so many functions and limitations by pain, immobility, and disability life is not nearly as complete as it once was.  You see the loss of spouses, friends, and loved ones and now you are the last one of your generation left.  You see family moving on and you have stayed, but you see life and have lived to its fullest.  That is a remarkable thing.  Life as a full circle.

  I took some pictures to capture our trip and also to always remember his home, my home, whenever I came home.

I love these pictures of the boys because they are playing with the same legos and farm set I played with so many years ago.  All of the grandchildren and great grandchildren have played with these same toys probably in the same spots!

The boys went on a "Ranger" ride with one of my grandfather's friends through the fields back to his hunting shack on the property.

 My grandparent's home.  The same house my grandfather was born in, he lives in today.  My mother grew up in this home and they farmed the land you see below.  Hasn't changed a bit and I love that about this place.  The field before the fence here is their garden.  A huge garden with raspberries, strawberries, so many veggies, cherry trees and apple trees too!

Me and my 95 year old grandfather, Irvan.

I love this picture.   A spring day, about 70 degrees out and my grandfather is bundled up and sitting outside.  He loves the outdoors.  My uncle built him a ramp to be able to go in and out of his house to spend time outdoors.  I sat with him over an hour outside while he watched my cousin mow his lawn for him.  Something he loved to do and still would if he could.  He just bought a brand new lawnmower he was hoping to get on the day I was there!

So, is this goodbye?  I don't know.  I don't want it to be goodbye, but I want peace for my grandfather.  I feel grateful to him and my grandmother for teaching me so much over the years and being a part of my life.  I am happy my children know of "great grandpa on the farm" and he was able to meet them like my grandmother was before she passed.  It was a short trip, but one no matter the airplane delays was worth it to have a few minutes, few hours to be together again.  The boys were troopers hanging on for some long days filling in family and travel time.  We will be back to Wisconsin again soon over the summer and I hope this isn't goodbye, but hello.